Haunting History Mindfully accepted

The other day this picture appeared on a social media newsfeed.

The person who posted it had no ill intent. She was just wondering if other could identify the people in the photo.

Of all the very nice, community contributing men in the photo I picked out ONE!

The man on the far left at the back! James Elson Tulloch!

I have seen many photos of him in past years, in school photos, in newspaper articles when we were in court....never in "life" like this. He did have a real life. I wonder if he even thought about the girls like me that he abused over the years on days like this with his ball team!

I wonder if men standing beside him had any idea who he really was and that their daughters could be his future prey!

I assume not!

I wonder if, when he was playing my dads team he felt guilty or sick about what he had done. I assume NOT!

I know that the person who posted it had no idea what it would do to me to see his face in this picture because I had no idea until it happened.

I was just working away in my office when it popped up. I became angry. I was nauseous, I wanted to vomit, I cried, I responded tothe post, I wanted to stop working, curl up in a ball and cry my day away. My physical and mental body had a reaction that I had no control over. That is until I decided to take control. I took a deep breath, I decided to let myself have this moment and move on with my day. I had important things to attend to and HE was NOT taking any more of my time from me.

Thats it, I did it. I am in control now. Finally!

Why Blog?

Why do people blog?

Various reasons.

My reasons?

To share life experience, life lessons, in hopes that others might find hope, learning, a teeny weeny glimmer of something from my lessons that will help them find the strength to fight through whatever they may face. After all, our lessons are only lessons if we learn. Our learning is useful to us but why be selfish and keep it to ourselves? Our stories, our lives are meant to be shared, good, bad and indifferent. I share my story, good, bad and indifferent in hopes that ONE person can benefit and find hope.

Period.

Seeking Motivation in Others

Motivation.

To motivate - to give incentive to; to stimulate toward action.

What motivates you?

I have been working with a young man who has had some significant life changes. Those life changes have left him feeling down, less connected and lacking motivation. We have met with his team a number of times and the team continues to present great ideas about events or opportunities in his community that he seems interested in and willing to attend; when the time comes to attend, he just doesn't go or he cancels plans with other people to go.

At our last meeting something hit me smack dab in the face. He has been asked many many times about attending a relationship group in another town. The group facilitator continues to encourage him to attend and he talks about not really liking the group much. During our last meeting the group facilitator once again asked if he would like to attend the next session. His response was "Sure, it's in another town, that means a road trip".

One of the significant life changes he has experienced is losing the independence of having a car and driving himself wherever he wants to go. He used to take random road trips with friends and when he talks about past or future road trips with music blasting be beams with joy. Financially he was having trouble making ends meet and keeping his car and insurance and decided he would have to forfeit that for a while. Among all of his life changes, I think this was a huge piece for him.

Next step; how can we be more creative about transportation to and from events that he enjoys without depending on staffing. He doesn't care if he is the driver or not, he just wants to be in a car with music blasted to get where he is going. Clearly this motivates him as he is willing to attend events that he doesn't really like just to have the chance to go somewhere in the car. Knowing that he has to walk places doesn't motivate him to go, if he knew he had a ride he would go anywhere and even get out of bed early to do it.

To explore this we can look at his current relationships; those people that he has connections with who enjoy the same things as he does and are willing to drive him. We can look at and plan for him to get back into a car of his own. We can use a learning log to learn more about what is important to him and other things that might help motivate him. We can use an approach called Presence to Contribution to help him to move from simply being present at events to contributing fully, building relationships and other motivators to help him feel better about being out and contributing.

I am also working with a young lady who is struggling with motivation. She commits to meetings, activities, community events, daily routines with full intention of following through. When the time comes to follow through, she cancels 95% of the time. I haven't worked with her long enough to understand her motivators. So it's time to explore. I need to think more about what I know is important to her, how to support her on her terms. Off the top of my head I think that her life is just so chaotic right now; she has so many services plus regular daily life to attend to that she just can't keep up. Maybe she just doesn't know where to start so she doesn't get started at all. Some people thrive on chaos and need to have lots going on, some just shut down when there is too much happening and they have difficulty processing where to start. (I know very well, I experience the latter of the two).

In her situation her case manager would suggest that I give up trying to work with her but I think a better approach is to introduce some person centred approaches to her service team via her case manager to see if we can learn together and work together to motivate and help her be a participant in her own life again.

Motivation. What gets us going? When we see something that we want or are passionate about within our day we are willing to participate in our own day. We all need it, we all have it. Some don't even notice they are using it, some have to really struggle daily to find it. It comes in many forms, material, emotional, spiritual etc. Without it we don't function and we are not participants of our own lives. To me this is unacceptable. We only get one life, we have to live it not just exist in it. Its often difficult to do more than exist. Lucky for me, my job is to help people find their motivators and help them to find a meaningful life. Its a challenge very much worth facing.

Lessons from a lawsuit

It's time I write this blog post. I have been putting it off forever but I think it is important to share.

I started a law suit against the Near North District School Board and James Elson Tulloch about 7 years ago related to sexual abuse from Kindergarten to Grade 3; as some may have read in my earliest posts. Quick summary, James Tulloch was the principal who perpetrated the abuse and the the school board dismissed allegations essentially allowing it to continue. These are not assumptions or unsubstantiated allegations, they are fact as proven in court and through a paperwork trail.

Basically I have just spent my life seeking therapy in various forms without even realizing it and the lawsuit was yet another attempt at therapy and closure. Little did I know it would take me on the ride of a lifetime. This is what I learned in the process.

When I first initiated the suit I was determined that it would bring awareness to the issue of child sexual abuse in schools and other places where highly respected people are protected at the loss of the children. Sure I wanted compensation, but the main purpose for me was to make a mark. The lawyer I spoke with was very compassionate and encouraging. He assured met that he would work hard to help me achieve my purpose. He cared, he empathized, he called often with great interest. He sent me a letter of retainer in which I basically agreed to follow through with the law suit and pay the legal team a percentage. If I were to back out of the suit I would have to pay out of pocket for any expenses incurred to that point. Thats where the phone calls, interest, empathy, caring and quest for awareness stopped. He actually then turned my case over to a junior lawyer and I never heard from him again. The junior lawyer did show caring and compassion, however he was simply doing his job also. Neither of them were in it because they cared about me, they were in it for the payday. Maybe thats why people think law suits are all about the payday, because for the lawyers, that's really what it is. His job was not to care about me just win the case. In order to win the biggest payout I needed to be in dire straights. I basically needed to be suicidal, lay in bed all day and not be able to function at any level in my own life. That was not going to happen. I was not going to fake the effects of the abuse to make more money. I was honest about my health, I went in cycles up and down and all around but was always honest. My cycles were not always pleasing to my legal team, especially when I was feeling good, but this wasn't about them was it? It was about me and my morals dictate that I am honest and I cherish that about myself and would not compromise it for the sake of more money.

Lessons:

1. Don't expect a lawyer to do anything but their job, their job is to win the case at all costs and obtain the highest pay out possible for their own pocket, not yours.

2. healing is not recommended by the legal team, they want you as ill as possible and are very happy if you fake it

3. the process is designed to break you down, don't give in

4. the process is offender friendly, just like the justice system, victims are revictimized even after convictions

5. victims are under the microscope, having to prove the effects they have suffered

6. one Hell of a healing process if you do the work

7. victims have the life sentence

8. defense counsel will draw out all negative past events to try and prove your effects come from another event, don't let it phase you, stand tall in the truth

9. SURPRISE - the system is flawed! In order to get the largest settlement you have to have catastrophic physical injuries. In other words in Canada you need to be a quadrapeligic or worse to get the full possible amount in each category of income loss, future medical needs, pain and suffering etc. Let me tell you - Mental health and the torture your own brain puts you through no matter the physical injury is so much worse in all cases. I know a young woman who suffered a catastrophic injury and feels that the physical effects are much easier to deal with than the mental, my late brother had serious physical injuries many times in his short life and his battle with his brain was the worst of his struggles until his death.

I did receive a settlement. I am under a confidentiality agreement to not share the amount however I can say that I did receive it and it was helpful. Here's how I made the decision to settle.

I had gone through a Discovery interview for a full day, a psychological evaluation in London, ON for a full day followed by a full day of mediation with lawyers and a mediator. At mediation the defence would not admit responsibility on the part of Jim Tulloch or the school board. They could have offered me millions upon millions that day and I would have walked away, I wanted to hear that they both accepted responsibility, that was part of what I needed for closure. So needless to say I did not settle at mediation, I left them with a number that was reasonable in my mind and walked away. They told me it was against my better judgement to walk away and threatened that if we went to trial they would drudge up my brothers death and childhood experiences. I said "Bring it on"! Now I had to go on to another psychological evaluation by a Psychiatrist hired by the defence, essentially to try and dispute the first evaluations findings and talk me down. No surprise, that evaluation had the same findings as my first one which was not helpful to the defence in any way. Jim Tulloch and the school board then had to go on to have their Discovery day long interview at which time they both admitted responsibility for their actions......A HUGE WEIGHT LIFTED FOR ME! There was still the dollar amount to settle. Another mediation day was set and I spent many months pondering my attendance. I decided that I would refuse to attend. My lawyer advised me against it, but my gut said it was the right thing to do. I wasn't compromising anymore than I already had and by showing up at mediation #2 I would be saying that I am willing to compromise. I didn't go. They did however, discuss my case that day and call me with an offer. My answer to my lawyer was this:

" I have come to a conclusion in my mind, body and soul as to what will bring the closure that I need to this situation. The amount I left the defence with will help me to be debt free and therefore reduce financial stresses which will support my mental health, I feel I deserve that at the bare minimum. If they will not pay that then we go to trial and I set precedence for future cases like this in Canada. No matter what amount I get at trial at least I have made a difference for others. That's my bottom line and I am not budging"

He said he would take that back to the legal team and would be in contact about a trial date. I was disappointed but surprisingly very content with my decision. I knew it was the right decision.

And then the phone rang, my lawyer was on the line again and stated that he just wanted to go over one other thing....."They agreed to give you what you asked for"! "Congratulations for standing your ground, we have never seen this happen before. They clearly knew you were strong and not backing down."

Tears, tears, tears, thank you, thank you, thank you Lord. It's over. It would be 30 days before I would get a cheque in the mail and it became real.

Once it was real Mike and I got to decide what to do with it. I put a deck on my house first so I can relax in my backyard, the most beautiful place in the world to me. Then we paid off our mortgage, line of credit and any other small debt we had. We were able to put some away for my kids education as that was a really important piece for me, that they had access to a good education. Most of the rest is invested for retirement minus a small amount I kept with the intentions of giving Mike's 4 kids each a small amount. He asked me not to do that for his own reasons and so I respected that even though I may not have agreed with it. So that small amount still is stuffed away for a rainy day, maybe someday to help them if they need it.

As you see the lessons last much longer than the money. Over these very long years I have learned so much about myself and healed so much more than I ever expected I would. I remember once seeing a quote by Theo Fleury saying that healing is possible, I emailed him and told him he was full of doggy do do! I didn't believe it. I went and saw him speak last Fall and as I listened I thought about how wrong I was, there really is healing to be found and we all do it our own way. For me this long drawn out law suit was the ticket and certainly not the lottery ticket. I achieved my goal, I am bringing awareness about this issue to others through my speaking engagements, I found therapy that works, and I made a difference for a number of women who may never have been involved in this lawsuit had I not initiated it.

I now have a very comfortable life and will work until I can retire at 67 with a soul filled with joy, love and gratefulness.

The faces of Facebook!

It's no secret that I LOVE FACEBOOK! I find great pleasure in reading others posts and sharing great information and sometimes funny jokes. I can buy things, sell things, chat with people I haven't seen in years, see pictures of their families. I LOVE it!

It has a dark side. (You didn't know that did you?)

The dark side of Facebook has worn my nerves to a breaking point. If I look at the ratio of good to bad I would say its somewhere in the ballpark of 95:5. It just seems that the bad outweighs the good when it happens and I really struggle with it. It makes me want to post things that I shouldn't post and it drives my husband crazy that I talk about it. He despises Facebook, finds it a totally pointless drama filled waste of time. He has never seen the good, he only hears about the bad.

I have had many conflicts on Facebook. Most of them stemmed from a misinterpretation of words. Only 5% of language is verbal so the words we type have no affect, no body language to go with it and people reading it have to interpret what you say, adding their own affect and making assumptions. I have learned to be careful of what I say and share on that site.

Having said that, last night I thought I was being careful, commented on a persons status in a very generic way sharing my learning about the statement she had made. It turned out that I upset someone with my comment. I apologized and told the person that it was not aimed at them or intended to upset, just my reflection about how I had been on both sides of the coin, both spewed harsh words and had them spewed at me and how it ruins relationships. That snowballed into hashing out past conflicts between us and bringing up irrelevant information for the situation. I asked the person to remove my comment, apologized again and left it at that. It played on my mind all night, not worth the effort or stress, but it upsets me that clearly this person holds a grudge against me when the problem they had was actually with my husband not me yet they hold me responsible for his words and decisions. Letting it go! I wish this person could let it go as well but I have no control over that.

Another example. I received a private message from a person who is not happy with my relationship with my husband and feels that I am only in the relationship to steal his attention from his children and their "entitlement" to his worth. Thats a whole other blog, but I digress. Clearly this person doesn't know me at all and I found it very offensive to be accused of this however replied very nicely and said I choose not to discuss it as it is none of their business. My concern was that my husbands children feel this way and if so I needed to address that. So while away on our vacation my husband spoke with two of his children and they assured him that they do not feel this way at all and they are very thankful for our marriage. Phew, now I can let that go because the most important people in the misinterpreted situation are happy. Or maybe not because they then elaborated that the reason this person sent me this message is because they had been sharing private messages on Facebook with said person above who holds a grudge against me and this is the conclusion they made about me. Harder to let go. See, I have learned that what others think of me is none of my business however it is really hard to let go of sometimes. Thats a struggle I have with my own brain.

When I have a conflict with someone I keep it between that person and I, I don't talk about the person to others even if I am angry with them. I don't hold anyone else responsibility for anyone. Each person is responsible for themselves. However, the person with the grudge clearly feels they need to share their anger toward me with others and give them incorrect information to skew their view of me as well. Upsetting for me and my issue to deal with.

So in order to eliminate or reduce the amount of negative that consumes my brain I decided to deactivate my Facebook account even though I will miss it terribly. Once I found out that I can't deactivate and keep my business page I decided I would keep my personal profile and only use my business page for professional use only. I changed my settings so I can't receive private messages from anyone but people who are "friends" and I cut my friend list significantly. I am taking responsibility for myself, helping myself deal with my issue.

If more people would do that we would have much less negativity on Facebook.

I don't hold grudges against anyone I have had conflict with. I accept the situation for what it is and move on. Forgiveness is not for the person who "did wrong by you" its for your own peace of mind. I have learned that it is a very powerful tool in life that lifts loads of weight from your shoulders. Hell I have forgiven the man who sexually abused me for years as a child, my ex husband for infidelity, my brother for calling me every name in the book and disowning me. It doesn't let them off the hook, they are still responsible for their actions but the load on my shoulders is gone. I am letting them take responsibility for themselves, I evaluated the situations and understand why they did what they did and thats their burden to bear.

So from here on out I am hoping to have 100% positive on Facebook through my business page. I will always be nice to people, civil with anyone, conflict or not because as human beings we all deserve acknowledgment of existence at the bare minimum. We cannot get along with everyone, not everyone has to like us or agree with our choices and vice versa but that doesn't make them any less human. Spread kindness to everyone, even though at times it is hard. In the end we are judged by who we were, not who we knew or how they treated us. We only have control of ourselves.

Happy Monday!

Grateful to be judged.

Today I received a message that was not intended for my eyes. It was about me and it wasn't very nice. It was about my "overuse" of Facebook. The person sending it clearly had me on their mind and sent the message quickly but sent it to the wrong person. I received it and was taken aback.

Without naming the person I want to share my learning through this experience with you. I not only protect the name of the person because this is public and I care about the person but because I know it was a mistake and I hold no hard feelings about it whatsoever. This is about my learning, not the message itself.

So the message came in. I read it, thought about how to respond, knew that this person would be mortified knowing that it came to me and not the intended recipient. I was gentle. I understood the position the person was coming from and nicely explained how to "unfollow" me on Facebook so they did not need to be overloaded with my posts any further.

See the problem the person was having was not MY problem, it was theirs. Their problem to be solved. As I say, misery is optional, if the person didn't like my loads of posts they could simply block, unfollow, unfriend, whatever. Facebook tries to make it personal by calling people you connect with "friends", truthfully maybe about 10% of the people on my Facebook are friends. Some are family, some are people I knew years ago that I don't even know or see anymore. Facebook is not personal. I enjoy it. I check it many times a day and post interesting quotes, recipes, news articles, and my status as well as pictures. I try to keep it positive and useful. My use of Facebook will not change because of this message but how much the person sees of it will because they now have the tools they need to unfollow my posts. I welcome anyone to unfollow if they feel the need. Or should my use of Facebook change?

The person called me soon after they realized their mistake and I was correct, they were mortified. They certainly had no intention of me seeing that message and were truly, truly sorry that they even sent it. It was a spur of the moment frustration and it got sent....to the wrong person.....apologies were made. We had a good discussion about it and each had a chance to explain how we felt and agreed to not let it affect our relationship.

Reflection in these situations is essential. I believe these things are brought our way to make us think, wake us up in some way, so I have spent my day thinking about what it is that I was to learn and here is what I came up with.

1. The same old reminder, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes mistakes that you have made yourself or hope that you never do.

2. Judgement of others is a waste of time, but can be a learning experience if you let it.

3. My use of Facebook, positive or not, consumes some of the time I have with my children who grow too fast as it is so I need to find a better balance.

4. Taking offence to something doesn't help the issue. Its better to try and understand where people are coming from.

5. Talking face to face, not via email, private message, text etc is the best way ( how many times do I have to be reminded of that before I truly learn?).

6. Showing emotion to people is not a bad thing, it assists communication.

So from today on, with my new lessons, that I intend to use not ignore so they can happen again; I will pay more attention to my Facebook use, not because others may not like it but because my kids deserve my time more and I need to balance better. I will also try harder to correct myself when judging someone else, think about the spirit of the problem before taking offence to the reaction to it, call people or meet with them instead of messaging (this one will be a challenge) even if I might show emotion in the process, and I will try to put the words that I can so easily share with the whole world in writing into language to share with those close to me verbally when I have the chance.

So in a sense I say thank you to the person who sent the message. It has made me grow as a person today and I think opened new doors for us to build a closer relationship.

I guess you can say I am grateful to be judged today.

My cup overfloweth!

There are 3 days a year that all of my Christmas lights are on 24/7 and that starts today!

As I am puttering around my house today making final preparations I feel such spirit and joy. It makes me wonder where does that come from and why is it so powerful at Christmas. Then I realized it really is simply the human spirit. We have it all year, every day, we can't avoid it, it's within us all the time. Really it's how we choose to use it that makes Christmas more special.

The Christmas season does not have the power in itself to eliminate, anger, hatred, crime, sadness and struggle. We have to choose to eliminate those things from our days. If we did that all year would we feel this joyous every day? I think its possible.

I will encounter people and situations that would normally have the potential to anger me this Christmas but I choose not to feel it. I choose to kill them with kindness and not in a spiteful way but in the true sense that I just choose not to feel those negative emotions and treat everyone with love, respect, acceptance and joy as each and every individual deserves.

I know that Christmas spirit comes from the blessing of having Jesus born to us on that day. It comes from the feeling of being so blessed to have freedom and spirit abounding. I know that Jesus and Our Father exist because I feel the inexplicable joy that fills me. Its spiritual. Its strength can bring you to tears in joy. It strength also offers you the opportunity to feel compassion for others and maybe allow yourself that moment of sadness knowing that some are struggling this year and someday it may be you. How blessed are we to be enjoying this season? Some year we will each have a struggle or we may have had those in past years and others were there for us in mind, body and/or spirit.

This year I have been very blessed to have the resources, energy and health to help others. I need for nothing under the tree. I asked for a new robe, thats all I could think of that I needed. My Christmas wish is that everyone take the opportunity to be still and feel the spirit that fills us, use it well, spend your days blessing others, sharing joy, smiling and being friendly to everyone, even people you would not include in your life the rest of the year.

I know its not going to happen internationally but maybe a few people reading this will be inspired to choose only joy, compassion and love this year. To each of you that do I say thank you. I hope you also feel the contagiousness of it like I have been blessed to feel and make every effort possible to feel that spirit all year long. Thats my goal for 2015. To make more effort to use my human spirit wisely, not just at Christmas. Its in us all year long.

Merry Christmas everyone. Lots of love from the Swartz-Biscaro-Harry family!